Saying Goodbye
by LSMunch
Summary: “You came back.” She nodded, a sad smile gracing her face. “I couldn't leave you again without saying goodbye.”


Disclaimer: If I owned them, do you honestly think I'd waste my time here?

A/N: You know how they left Fin and Munch out of that party at the end and then Alex didn't show up? Well, this is why, at least in my mind.

I stood in the crib, watching the world move outside the window. Watching the lights dance around the ballroom that was New York City. Wondered what ballroom she had been dancing in, what member of this dance she had been. Wondering if she had a dancing partner or if she was solo. Wondering if she had forgotten the dance we had done, forgotten the music we danced to.

I hear the door open behind me. I thought it was Fin, so I remained silent, wishing he would just leave. Leave me alone to my solitary self. My lonely self.

But there was something in the air that made me turn around.

"You came back."

She nodded, a sad smile gracing her face. "I couldn't leave you again without saying goodbye."

I swallowed hard, unable to comprehend the words she was speaking so clearly. "Leaving?" She couldn't leave again. Not when she was so close.

She nodded again, tears in her eyes, threatening to spill over. "I can't stay. I...I have to get a new name. S...start over again."

"No." My voice was weak. She wasn't going to leave me again. "You..." My voice cracked. "You can't."

Her eyes held so much pain as she responded, "I don't want to." She paused, looking out the window. "Every day I was gone, every day I was Emily, I thought of you. Wondered why I hadn't told you. Why I told Elliot and Olivia instead." She looked back at me. "I thought you would be better off thinking I was dead. You would be able to move on."

I shook my head slowly. "I couldn't move on. If anything," I paused, unsure of myself momentarily, before plunging on. "If anything, I moved back. I almost gave up on it. On everything." I leaned against the window, needing some support, somewhere to look other than her tormented eyes. "I don't know what happened to me...I just...it was like I couldn't function without thinking of you, without thinking of that son of a bitch that took you from me...from all of us." I rested my head against the cool glass, letting it sooth me. Or at least try.

We both lapsed into silence, lost in our own thoughts I guess. I still couldn't fully comprehend that she was leaving again. The one thing I was glad about was that she was at least saying goodbye. She was at least telling me she was leaving before disappearing.

"John."

I turned from my position against the window and forced myself to look into her eyes. Her tortured eyes. All of a sudden, I couldn't take it anymore. I walked the few paces between us and pulled her against me, needing to feel her soft lips pressed against mine. Needing to feel her body pressed against mine one last time.

She pulled away after a moment and buried her head into the crook of my neck, the tears finally coming. Finally cascading over the barriers she had built. I ran my fingers through her hair, holding her close to me. I felt my own tears leak past my shaky barriers, unable to hold the flow back any longer. I let them run down my face and into her hair, not making a sound, just letting them come.

We stayed like that for God knows how long, neither of us willing to let go of the other. Neither of us able to. Eventually, the tears stopped and we stood there, just wanting the feel of the other imprinted upon us forever. For the first time in over a year, I actually felt at peace with myself, with the world, with everything. And I didn't want it to go away. I didn't want it to leave with her.

I saw Fin standing in the doorway and he nodded at me, his eyes sad, telling me it was time for her to go. She had to and I knew it, but to actually let her go was so hard. I had her back after so long and I had to let her leave me again. "Alex," I whispered.

She didn't reply and I could tell she knew she had to leave.

"Alex, please." She pulled her head from its resting place on my shoulder and looked at me with those blue eyes. I looked right back, running my fingers through her hair again. "Take care of yourself, whoever you're gonna be next. And..." My voice caught in my throat. "Remember me."

All she did was look at me before pressing her lips one last time against mine. My eyes still closed, I felt her leave my arms, whispering, "Goodbye, John."


End file.
